Newest posts are found just below this featured welcome.
Welcome to my little corner of the blogoverse, or blogosphere, or whatever it is that hip millenials call it. Welcome.
If you were looking to follow along an inspirational journey of trying to conceive, and all of the hope and wonder therein, then this is probably not the blog for you.
If, however, you were looking for something to sympathize and empathize with, for the documenting of the rollercoaster of extreme emotions and frustration and stupid things people say when you’re trying to get pregnant without success, for a journey you could actually relate to and commiserate with, well, then, this is it. Probably.
Because, ultimately, for those of us who don’t just get it on the first try, or who just happen to have a much welcomed “oops”, this journey is hard, and it sucks. It’s full of the full range of human emotions, including excitement, hope, fear, frustration, disappointment, anger, and resentment. It’s cycle after cycle of wondering, waiting, analyzing every twinge and cramp, every alleged symptom, of two week waits that feel like eternities. It’s watching every single friend and relative announce their pregnancies, share their amazing birth photos, and then announce another unexpected pregnancy they weren’t even trying for.
It’s the worst.
And it can be so, so lonely.
It can feel like you’re the only person in the world whose body just won’t work.
It can feel like you’re broken.
It can feel like you’ve been betrayed, by how easily relatives achieved pregnancy, by our entire culture that can’t even be bothered to teach basic reproduction accurately.
And no one should feel that sort of loneliness, not on this journey. I don’t want to feel that way; I assume you don’t either.
And though our partners can be and often are supportive, and are walking this journey alongside us, I don’t think it compares to how inside our heads we get, because we feel things. We experience the cramping that may or may not be gas. We experience the heaviness in our breasts that might be the same as last month when we weren’t pregnant, but of course, maybe it’s different this time? We experience the spotting on the toilet paper that could be aunt flow starting, or wait, is that implantation spotting maybe? Our partners often aren’t privy to these private moments and experiences. They can often easily go about their days without agonizing over everything happening or not happening in their bodies, not to mention their minds.
And so, I started this blog. A place mostly for me to get out all my frustrations, all my resentment, all the things I’m thinking but am too afraid to say for fear of hurting someone’s feelings, or, worse yet, hearing, for the millionth time, that I just need to relax and it will magically happen.
Feel free to come along on this journey with me. Feel free to leave your experiences in the comments.
Please DON’T try to offer advice or suggestions on treatments, improvements to our technique, or tests that need to be done. That’s not what this is about. There is a time for advice and suggestions, and there is a time to just allow people who are struggling to feel in their feelings and cry and scream and hate anyone who appears to have it easier than they do. This is the latter, and to try to explain down to them all the things they could be doing differently or instead (read: everything they’re so obviously doing wrong, because hey, after several years being at this, it never occurred to them to time intercourse, or eat healthy, or go to the doctor) is incredibly invalidating. Please understand that this journey has so very little space made for it in daily life, so if this trick or that trick worked for you, great, but please don’t offer it here unless specifically requested. Being at this as long as we have been, there’s pretty much nothing I haven’t already considered, tried, or gotten started.
And maybe, hopefully, one day, this blog will allow me to document our success in achieving pregnancy. Maybe I’ll end up as one of those moms with a blog who writes about diapers and quick, easy recipes, and how to avoid scams when wanting to work from home.
But for now, let’s allow ourselves to honor the journey and all of its ups and downs, let’s allow ourselves to sink into the feelings of rage and frustration and desperation, and just be in it, together. Because some days, on days like today, trying to conceive is hard, and basically sucks.